Help

"I want a divorce", She said.

My jaw dropped.

"What did you say?"

"You heard me! I'm sick and tired of this."

"But, but..", I stammered, "Why?"

As she spoke to me in angry tones, my mind flashed back to three days prior. She had just finished up working from home and decided she wanted some apples, an item which she never picks up at the grocery store but at the Farmer's Market. It was getting late and they would be closed in an hour.

I hurriedly brushed my teeth. We rushed out the door. As we reached down the stairs and out the door from our apartment we saw the bus. We just missed it.

"I don't think I'm going anymore. It's 20 minutes to the next bus and the market closes in less than an hour", she said, looking very disappointed.

"Come on baby. We can make it there in fifteen minutes. I'm sure they haven't closed yet."

"Okay. Hold on. Maybe we should try and catch the bus on King."

"Okay", I said. And off we went talking, smiling, laughing.

We soon got to King but the only bus we saw was an express that didn't stop.

"Keep walking?", she asked.

"Yup", I said. "The traffic is moving slow anyway. We'll get there long before any bus would", I thought.

As usual, everything was a topic. Gym, vacation, school, food, the dog, the dog's enormous crap, everything.

As I thought we got there in a little under fifteen minutes.

"Okay baby, I am going to mail this letter and then meet you back at the seats in front of the food market." My phone was left at home charging so there would be no way to call her.

"Okay" She said, disappearing into the crowded mall.

I flashed back to the present in that instance. Was this really happening? I kept listening to her. I could see she was serious. I'd lost her. If not in body, then in soul, in mind, in love.

"You only think of you. You don't care about me. You're selfish."

"No, I can't lose you! I love you.", I begged.

"You don't know what it means to love. You've betrayed me. Pack your shit and leave."

Her words hit me like rubber bullets from a automatic weapon.

Again, my mind flashes away to three days prior. I had mailed the letter that day and was in good spirits. No one had been in line and the clerk wished me a good evening as I stepped out the door. "Now to get back to my baby.", I thought. I turned the corner to the farmer's market. No sign of her. I didn't hesitate. I went right in to her fave spot. The apples there were the best. They were so good that she swore she would never buy grocery store apples again. It was closed. I walked around the whole market. She wasn't there.

"Oh, shit. she must be pissed. I told her to come anyway when we missed that bus. And she's not outside. Oh, no!" I swallowed hard. "Okay, calm down. Maybe you missed her. Just sit here. Wait."

And that I did.

"You're dumb. You're an adult child. All I do is sacrifice and what do you do? NOTHING, NOTHING!"

The words carried me back to my present dilemma. I felt dumb. I felt like a child. I felt like nothing. What do I do? She doesn't believe in my love. Do I back away or fight for what I know to be the start of something special, something just putting down roots. I had to make her see this was a big mistake but how?

Three days ago, I had waited. I got worried. I had been there twenty four minutes. She must have gone home. She's gonna laugh at me for sitting here. NO phone. What do I do? Is she really gone? Check the grocery store. Good idea. Snap, she's not there. Shit. Shit. SHIT. Okay, Go home and call her with the intercom system. If she's home fine, if she isn't...

She wasn't there.

"Hello", I said as she answered.

"Are you kidding me?", she replied.

"You're not home?"

Dial tone....

As I sat there on the bed listening to her, a sea of regret washed over me. I was wrong. I had forgotten she had gone to buy doggie treats so that's why she wasn't there.

DUMB!

I had betrayed her. I had been disloyal. How do I recover from this. This feeble yet needed thing called trust was hard to keep alive much less resuscitate after something like this.

What next? What do I do?

Beginning of the end.

This is a true story. I am just asking anyone who may read this blog one question. I know I was wrong but would you give up my love because of this betrayal? I love her. I can't live without her. I can but I don't want to.

Confused

"I'm leaving you. It's over." 

His heart came to lodge in his throat as it pounded in hard beats. 

Why? Why?

Just three days ago they had been so happy he thought. If she wasn't happy why was she laughing, smiling, holding his hand. 

"There is no spark there anymore."

He stood in disbelief which even days later still hadn't changed.  His mind ran wild with thoughts. Had she found someone? Was this a cruel trick?

She had left without saying much. Left with so many questions unanswered. She said she would call him and she wouldn't answer if he tried.

Why?

He didn't know what to do or think. With all these crazy ideas running through his head and his soul torn to bits by the loss of his love, his true love, his one love, all he was sure of is that he's .....

CONFUSED

Image by http://heroinjunkie.blogspot.ca/2011/12/letter-to-me.html

By Chance

It wasnt by chance that we met. Each encounter I had with someone else, every experience I've had in my life, everything I've gone through has lead me to this moment. It's because of all this I know this is where I belong. There is no doubt in my mind that you are the one for me. If there is any doubt in your mind, give me the chance to prove I'm right. I hope and pray this chance turns into a lifetime of sharing good times and sticking close through the bad times.

It's not by chance I'm still here. Even through our growing pains, where communication was difficult and personal vendettas came ahead of our partnership, we are still together. This says so much that we can forgive and go again. So many don't understand the concept.

I don't want to drag this out but I'd like say that for this and so many other things, I love you.....more than you know.

Being "comfortable" in a relationship

Let me paint a picture for you. You just started dating and you want to make the best impression possible. The three dates with the sane person have gone awesomely.  You decide to cook them a meal and make the evening a more intimate affair. 

The table is set and ready with the finest cutlery you own. The chicken is ready and the side dishes almost done. You buy the most expensive wine. You even went as far as vacuuming even though you did three days ago. 

Dinner is ready so you hurry to the bathroom to have a hot shower and put on some new fragrance that you went out of your way to buy.
Fast forward past the date. It went well. He or she was impressed and your mission is accomplished. Things continue to move along the same lines and you decide to become a couple. You are ecstatic.
Again move forward a year and you're still together.  Do you still do those special things you use to for him or her or are you now comfortable?
Don't get me wrong. Its okay to be comfortable. You found someone who you love and you feel empowered and more fulfilled with them in your life. When I say comfortable, I mean being so relaxed that you are in a relationship that you take for granted that a relationship is an organism that needs to be fed and cared for. 
People will stop doing those special things for their loved ones like in the scenario before. In my opinion, the things done at the beginning should be done right through a relationship. Giving gifts and things like that may change in complexity and taste but it should always be ongoing. 
Do you send your significant other a text message or buy an unexpected gift to let them know you're thinking about them? Sometimes all failing relationships need is a nudge. Just like a dog don't feed it and it will die.
In my experience I have missed the signs of this comfort many times. Why you say? Because it seemed we were both on the same page as far as being comfy. We both said we didn't want to go out or we both stopped doing things that drew us together in the first place.  No one was putting out an effort.  A relationship dies because people allow it even if they don't intentionally mean to. To sum it up never start taking each other for granted.

What are your thoughts on being comfortable?

                                 

Inspired

Inspired to write
Inspired to put down what I feel
Inspired to tell you I love you
Inspired to be better because i know you
I want to be better
Inspired to just do it (whatever it is)
Inspired to make you smile a bit longer
I'm listening to music, inspired by thoughts of you
Inspired to shout your name even though I see you every day
I'm just as inspired as i was the first time i saw you
Inspired to make a difference, every positive thing done will make the future better
Our future.
No matter what happens in my life whether good or bad, I'll grit my teeth. I'll stand strong.
Just hold my hand and I'll remain inspired.
I hope I inspire you too.

Answers to the Questions 2

He left as he had come. In the rain. Cold. Confused. Unhappy. There was only one difference. He knew the answer. It was no. Things had spiraled out of control. From the time he had opened that door until the point of leaving the air had been filled with stifling tension. All conversations were defensive. There was no we addressed but me reigned supreme. Walls were put up that were insurmountable.

Handing back the key he avoided eye contact. His lips quivered uncontrollably. He forced his teeth to bite down keeping them still.  The last straw had broken the camel's back it seemed. As he walked back to the bus terminus, he ran through the months which had past. They had been almost perfect. The time they spent had been like a dream. Their relationship was void of bullshit. But misunderstood words and gestures and an inability to defuse the issue had been the death of this beautiful romance.

Just like before he blamed himself. Gritting his teeth he ran through the scenario in his mind and what he would have done differently.  What do women want he thought and what wasn't he getting? The rain had stopped and he had been soaked through and through.  It didn't matter. He didn't care. he wished he didn't have to leave. He was drawn in by her. That hadn't change. He still wanted her. He needed her. He loved her.

There was no point in trying to sort it out now.  Words had left them both. They had agreed to separate. In his mind, it had to be temporary. It had to be. He knew she was the one. He had been in relationships before. Many. None felt like this. None felt as good.  He could let down his guard around her.  No holding his breath or even adjusting his personality one bit was needed. They talked openly and he wanted that.  No, he needed that in his life.

He decided that he would choose not to let her go. He had made bad decisions in his life. He had ended relationships that were considered good.  He had to live with that. Hearts had been hurt including his. Words had been said that could not be taken back. Regrets that haunted him and had played tricks on his future decisions.  "My choices make me who I am and whether or not they were good or bad decisions I am who I am because of them", he thought. "I won't make the mistake of giving up on us without resistance.  I refuse to walk away from her without trying.  Some things are worth the struggle to preserve. My love may not be enough but whatever else is needed to cause her to realize I am for her in every way I will find it".

As the thought echoed in the farthest orifice of his mind a voice came over the intercom of the bus' arrival at his destination. His head was clear, at least clearer than he had been in days.  His resolution was clear. Get her to understand her value to him and show her that no matter how long it took he would be there for her. He would be faithful to them and their future. He just had to let her see they were beautiful together.  Fresh hope filled his heart, a new focus came to his mind and a smile to his face.

Answers to the Questions 1

He stepped off the bus looking left to right as if he was lost.  He wasn't. This place had become familiar to him.  He knew where he was and where he was going. The only question was should he be going and was he welcomed? He did not know hence his hesitation after his long bus ride. The opportunity to turn back was leaving in ten minutes.  The wind blew cold causing him to pull his jacket a little closer.  That hit of cold air seemed to help him decide. He started walking. Slowly. Steadily. He looked up at the bleak sky. There would be rain.

As he walked, the memories of the night before brought a tear to his eye.  A tear that would run down his face, the very same place it had made tracks the day before.  What would he say to her? Was their world crashing because of a misunderstanding? Would he lose the one he loved so much.  The things that were said echoed in his mind. What she had said about him, were they true? Was he really just like every other man?  He struggled to understand. He struggled to accept his new reality while trying to justify his future. The future that might actually be without her. The future he would have to face in a few minutes.  Every step brought him closer to her apartment door.

The rain started to come down but it did nothing to hasten his footsteps.  His mind had gone back in time to the place when he fell in love with her. A place where their transition from friendship to intimacy, from smiles and friendly hellos to kisses and words filled with the emotions of love had taken three months, three months that felt like three years. This was not typical and just was not playing by the rules. Could she be the one?

He had been hurt before and the issue they faced was something he had to deal with on many occasions.  He felt lost. He was the only common factor. The only factor between these different females.   Was he meant to be alone even though he felt he had something to offer. Was he just not cut out for a lifetime shared with that one person to make each other happy?

The rain started coming harder but his stride stayed steady. He could see her light on.  She wasn't expecting him.  Or was she?  He took a deep breath. She meant a lot to him and they had promised each other that no matter what they could talk. He found peace in that.  Who said there wouldn't be bad times? No one is perfect. "Doesn't it come down to what we mean to each other in the end?", he thought.  For the first time in two days he smiled.  He knew they could work it out. He had gotten on the elevator. Four floors to go.  He wouldn't give up on what they had. It was truly special.  The fact that he found himself there in his state of confusion meant something. One thing was clear, he was heading to the right place.

One way or the other it had to be resolved tonight. For his peace of mind it had to be. He would put his weaknesses on the table and hopefully she would do the same and from that they would both draw strength.  He stood at the door. He had his keys. He stood frozen for a minute. Was he really ready?  The door stood between his questions and his answers. He turned the key.  The door creaked open.....

Daydreaming

I woke up to the warmth of her lips on the back of my neck. I smiled because I knew it was the start of a good day. The smell of coffee told me she had been up for a while. The sun peaked through the window as I rolled over excited to start the day we had planned. Even Einstein was running in circles from anticipation.

It was the middle of summer and we both had taken the day off to do nothing more than spend time together with our destination not set and the mandatory requirement of it being in wide open spaces. Some place where the only sounds other than our voices would come from the wind in the trees or Einstein barking at a squirrel.


As always, talks are both filled with laughter and serious issues. Conversations of plans to be intertwined in each others life as our hands were as we walked along the path. Even in moments of silence our sense of touch communicates our feelings. 
 
I cant help but stare at her from head to toe. I run my hand through her locks that protects a beautiful mind. I smile for the umpteenth time. I am happy. As the day slowly turns night, Einstein leads the way home. Time spent was good and I look forward to time away with her soon....

Inspired by my girlfriend.


Dog's name changed to protect the innocent